Tuesday February 7th

So many people have been asking me “How are you?” that I think I’m going to address that.

A few weeks ago I was still at home. 

When I’m at home, I feel safe. I don’t feel like I’m being attacked. All the questions that I have during the school year are answered and I feel comforted by the community around me. If I had to name one of the places I call home, I would say the youth room in my church with the blue walls, blue door frames, and blue carpet. 

On my last Sunday before coming back to Austin we were talking about Ephesians. Isak shared about a friend of his who had a strange encounter on an airplane. She is a christian and she was sitting beside a man who was a Bible teacher, but the man had a really twisted, contorted view of the gospel and what it meant to be saved. 

I remember all of us looking at each other in disbelief after he talked about the man and his misconceptions. I remember thinking to myself, ‘How can someone possibly believe that? It makes no sense.’

And here I am. Just a few weeks later. Never before have I felt so attacked by lies. The thing is, I know the truth - in my head. But now I understand the man on the plane. I understand his logic, and why he feels the way he does. And it’s troubling because I know all of it is lies. 

I’ve talked to so many people. God has blessed me with such wise and loving brothers and sisters, and I am so thankful for their prayers and words of advice. But I’m not hearing anything particularly new, and every time someone speaks truth to me, I say “I know, I know.” But it’s like someone told me - If I really knew, then I wouldn’t say “I know.”

Haha, I already know of a couple close friends of mine are going to read this and ask me about it. It’s really hard for me to explain this in person or by saying it out loud (I realize this because I’ve tried multiple times now), but please, for those who care, please pray for me. I feel very strange saying this on tumblr, but I get the feeling that the only people who would click the ‘read more’ button are my close friends anyway. 

In the mean time, I sometimes think about how I’m feeling, and I realize that now I’m always on the verge of an emotion, but I don’t feel anything.

For instance, a lot of the time I feel like I’m about to cry but I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I could get really angry - but I don’t. There are times that I feel panic rising, but then it goes away. Joy and happiness (seldom) come in tiny spurts then fade almost immediately. It’s strange, but it makes life easier I suppose.

Can’t wait to go home this weekend. 

21 Notes/ Hide

  1. zseung said: lies are half truths that lack a warrant for their statement.
  2. poorrichards said: I want to say I kind of understand how you feel but I know I probably don’t fully understand it, but you heard what I shared yesterday. Thank you for your prayer, thank you for sharing this too. Praying for you Esther my dear friend :)
  3. spacecloud said: Know how you feel! Encourage you to seek and pray for truth! :)
  4. kellbellers said: yeahh it reminds me of what peter said at the leadership meeting, about how our mind/brain know all this intellectual stuff, but our heart has a hard time feeling or desiring it.. i feel yaa~ praying ema
  5. invincybil said: Love you Esther & praying for you! Also, I think I understand how you are feeling. As always, miss you!
  6. jennlee14 said: will pray for you.
  7. esthermaaa posted this