Too many words

Word that have crossed my mind these past few weeks: Trees. Fast Car. Wintermester. Longboarding. Shepherdess. Death. Compassion. Yoga. Muffins. Gospel. Frustrated. Questing. Guitar. Change. Toms. Prayer. Functional nihilism. Hot Chelle Rae. Wakeup call.

I can explain some of these.


Longboarding: Last winter break I learned how to ride a bike, and this break I learned how to ride a longboard. I am by no means good at either of these, but longboarding is so much better. Some people believe I have ulterior motives for longboarding (completely false) but I really do love it. The other day I went outside by myself to go longboarding, and it was both peaceful and exhilarating and I was smiling.

Shepherdess: I was a shepherdess for our Christmas miming/play thing, and it was fun!

Death: Recently I found a document named ‘Unfinished’ and when I opened it the memory of the strange woman with tales of death came out from the back corners of my mind. We were holding posters for TWLOHA, and a lady who looked like she did not go to UT and might be slightly mentally ill came up to us. She told us it was hard for her to smile lately because every year for the past three years, one of her mom’s coworkers had died, and one of them, Yvette, had just died a couple of days ago. She was sure her mom was going to be the next to go. She looked me right in the eye and asked, ‘Why do good people die?’ she said that her mom was abused by her grandmother, but her grandmother was still alive. She asked me why all morally good people had to suffer and die while the bad people lived. She asked me that question and I begged God to give me the words to say, but I had none. She looked so happy, but she wasn’t smiling. She was looking at me, but it was more like she was looking through me.

Thoughts of death this break: Death has no sting – but only for those with Christ. The truth is, none of us are guaranteed even another minute of life. But whether death is sixty seconds or sixty years from now, what am I doing with the time I have to live for Jesus? Why is there such a lack of urgency in the way that I live? I say that I want to spend my time on earth doing the only thing that matters, but my actions say otherwise.

Compassion: When Jesus saw people He had compassion on them, in a way I can’t even fathom. There are times when I truly believe I am a robot with absolutely no capacity for love. I used to look at people and think they were much more deserving of God’s love because they were kind and caring - but that’s not the gospel. The gospel is that Christ saved me because of His grace and mercy when I didn’t deserve it, and because of that He is glorified. But it scares me to wonder about the person I would be without Jesus.

Back to compassion – My sophomore/junior year of high school (I can’t remember which), our youth group went to Planet Wisdom, and on the last day there was a lady telling us about the Compassion program. We watched the video – you know which one I’m talking about, it’s heart wrenching, touching, and leaves you inspired and in tears. They asked those who wanted to sponsor a child to raise their hands, and I found myself raising my hand, not sure of what I was getting myself into - all I knew was that I wanted to make a difference.

So I got the envelope .She was a five-year-old girl living in Haiti. I wrote the first letter. She wrote back. In it she talked about how thankful she was for me. I put the letter up on a magnetic board I had in my room and started to write another letter to her. But I never finished it. Actually, I don’t think I even started. That first letter was the last letter I wrote. Eventually, my mom just sent in the checks, and even though in the back of my mind I knew that I needed to write the letter, I just didn’t.

After probably around a year of this, I finally somehow informed the people at Compassion that I could no longer support this child. I figured that she would probably get reassigned to someone who would be a better sponsor. I remember the great feeling of relief once I was free of that responsibility (that I wasn’t really taking anyway).

I don’t even remember her name. I don’t even know if she received another sponsor. But I do know that when I heard about the disaster in Haiti, I was so good at making myself and those around me believe that I truly cared about the people suffering. And I am ashamed to say that it took me a couple of weeks to even remember the little girl in Haiti that I had promised to write letters to, telling her about Jesus. And then all I could feel was the word ‘hypocrite’ written across me. I didn’t even know if she was dead or alive. And I pushed it to the back of my mind, thinking that as long as I didn’t think about it I could pretend like it never happened.

I wish I could say that that isn’t the end of the story, but it is. But when I find myself in that pit of self-loathing and guilt, He reminds me that His blood covered all my sin. It kills me though, praying for a nameless girl.

Change: An accumulation of events this break has led to some thoughts that are too long and too unclear as of now to state here. It all boils down to the realization that I’ve been deceiving myself into thinking that I have been living for Jesus, when, looking back, that statement is almost laughable.

These are the convicting questions that stir in my heart: Are you sharing the gospel? Are you living by God’s standards or the people around you? Are you on your knees praying? Why didn’t you come sooner? Do you know who you are serving?

I want to live for Jesus and I want to die for Jesus. They sound contradictory, but they’re the same thing. I remember looking at the three crosses on the hill at Fall Retreat and asking myself, ‘What does that mean to me?’

And all I hear is I, I I, me, me, me. It’s not about me. Not at all. Christ is center. Have to remember that.

 

12 Notes/ Hide

  1. no-thankyou said: QUESTING. talk to me about functional nihilism. ulterior motives for longboarding.
  2. zseung said: you didnt explain questing haha
  3. esthermaaa posted this